Paul Woodcock as "Harry"
Paul Ludlow as "Max"
Ian Tucknott as "Norm"
Ivan Mansutti as "The Baddie"
Bill Hooper as "Eddie"
Emma Garvey as "Jen"
Dan James as "Paddy"
Vicky Warby as "The Editor"
Mark Garvey as "Victor"
Dave Hodson as "Victor's Father"
Lisa West as "Susan"
Paul Ludlow as "Luke"
Stuart Offord as "Johnny"
Dani Ludlow as "Olivia"
Stuart Offord as "Gerry"
Emma Sharman as "Hope"
Ben Drake as "Eric"
Katie Laurence as "Ruth"
Madison Mitchell as "Madison"
Bummer Jokes as "Leatherjon"
Julie Read as "The Mayor"
Gemma Dillon as "The Reporter"
Kris May as "Camera Boy"
James Hingley as "The Doctor"
Ben "Bozwell" Wain as "Igor"
Gerry George as "The Hoody"
Rupert Hunt as "The Tourist"
Andy Parker-Rees as "The Bum"
Tranq Lobo as "The Stupid Yank"
Tom Brain as "The Priest"
James Pressland as "The Geezer"
Lewis Sykes as "Bruv"
Simon "Handle" Woodcock as "The Idiot"
Kayleigh Richter as "The Love-Bunny"
Sue-Ellen Wilson as Jaqui Kirby
Hecktor Zick Zack as "Stan The Stag"
Nick King as "Thug #1"
Clint Henderson as "Thug #2"
Stephen Tozer as "Thug #3"
Peter Pringle as "Thug #4"
Alan Register as "One Eye"
William Hank as "Two Eye"
"The Hertfordshire Hero" as himself
"Nothing-Men": Character Biographies:
Harry
Harry Hertford was born in Potters Bar and is 23 years old. Harry lives and works with his two good friends, Max and Norm, and he has recently seperated from his long-term girlfriend, Susan. Both Max and Norm - in very different ways - remind Harry of his Father, and Susan reminds him of his Mother (and Susan looks a lot like Harry’s Mother did, too). Harry never wanted to be a painter and decorator, Harry has never known what he has wanted to be, but one thing Harry never wanted to be was a painter and decorator. Harry has never left the country; he’s actually only left Hertfordshire a few times, but he has no desire to do so: he prefers to lose himself in his many films, books and comics ... and in his dreams.
Max
Max was born in Barnet, North London then and raised in Potters Bar. Max is 26 years old and runs a highly unsuccsessful painting and decorating business. Max has known Harry and Norm since they attended nursery school together but they were never close (Max was a cool and tough kid whereas Harry and Norm were “bed-wetters”). This all changed when a drunken teenage brawl ended with Max “accidentally” beating up both Harry and Norm (as well as several other people who were just in the wrong place at the wrong time). In a rare display of remorse, Max offered Harry and Norm jobs in his new painting and decorating business and the pair accepted (but did so largely because they feared what Max might do to them if they refused). The trio have since developed strong friendships and now rent a house together. Max continues to be volatile and have a bad temper. To date, Max has been ordered to attend anger management classes and clinics for alcohol, drug and sex addiction as well as having served well over a total of 100 hours of Community Service and he has reluctantly paid in excess of £2,000 in fines and as compensation ... but has thus far managed to avoid prison.
Norm
Norm is 26 years old, or as he puts it: “old enough to be on my second fucking P.H.D.” and was born in Hatfield, Hertfordshire but raised in the nearby town of Potters Bar. Although he was Christened as Norman, he is known as “Norm”, “Normo”, “Normski” and “boring Norm”. Norm has always been hard-working, dedicated and studious. He excelled as a student, leaving school with a total of 7 “A” grade GCSEs and graduating from University with a First Class Honours Degree. After graduating, Norm was excited about all that the world had to offer him and he was desperate to get himself out of Potters Bar. Many years later, the angry and disgruntled Norm remains trapped in the vortex of his home town and spends his days moaning about what he could have been and all that he could have achieved. Norm suffers from a severe nervous facial twitch that is triggered by a range of words and situations. This makes Norm very uncomfortable in conversation and he believes it is why he only has two people that he can truly call his “friends” (Harry and Max); however, Norm is not convinced that this nervous twich has anything to do with the fact that he’s never had a girlfriend and remains a virgin. Norm is estranged from his Father, Paddy, and constantly does his best to avoid him.
The Baddie
Very little is known about the enigmatic local known to many simply as the “Baddie”. A large percent of what little crime that actually occurs in the town of Potters Bar can certainly be attributed this so-called Baddie, or at least to some of his gang of dedicated followers. The Baddie has become something of an aspirational figurehead to the young local “hoodies” and as their leader, he distributes criminal tasks for each of them to undertake. The Baddie is defiant in the face of local Community Support Officers and has demonstrated to his young disciples that it is possible to succeed from a life of petty crime. Having been humiliated in defeat by “The Hertfordshire Hero”, the Baddie shall rally his many “hoody” troops for revenge.
Gerry
Gerald Bruce Jenas was born and raised in Potters Bar, is 27 years old and is better known simply as “Gerry”. As a young man, Gerry showed great promise, he gradutaed from University and had begun his training to become a doctor. Gerry began stealing prescription drugs for his personal use and he gradually descended into addiction. He was expelled from his training and began a life on the streets. Gerry turned to petty crime to fuel his addiction: he stole garden ornaments and sold them at car boot sales. This proved unprofitable as he wasn’t making enough money in sales to pay his friend whose car he was renting to use its boot to sell from (Gerry didn’t have his own car) so he began to steal bicycles. This fall from grace followed the unexpected death of Gerry’s Father and Gerry also became estranged from the rest of his family. Gerry was simply too ashamed of his addiction and crimes to face his Mother, Olivia, and Gerry was - and still is - despised by his twin Brother, Johnny. The reasons for Johnny’s bitter hatred of Gerry are unclear but some have said that is because only Gerry knows Johnny’s dark secret: that Johnny’s jackpot winning lottery ticket was actually purchased by Gerry and that Johnny stole it from his twin who intended to give all of the winnings to charity. Gerry now delivers newspapers for a local newsagent (that is run by a friend) each morning and makes just enough cash for him and Hope to be able to eat.
Hope
Gerry’s partner, Hope, was born and raised in Hertford, Hertfordshire, she is 29 years old and like Gerry, Hope has struggled with drug addiction, is homeless and has been estranged from her family for several years. Hope was diagnosed as suffering from acute hysteria at the age 5 and she grew up with a complete paralysis of her left arm (from her finger tips to her shoulder). At age 20, she met Gerry Jenas, by chance, at a mutual friend’s party. Gerry brushed by Hope and touched her, and she immediately regained complete control of - as well as feeling in - her previously paralysed arm. The pair went on to develop a complex relationship and became increasingly dependent on each other. They soon began experimenting with drugs, failed to maintain jobs and eventually turned to petty crime. Recently, the pair have quit both drugs and crime in an attempt to get their lives back on track and heal rifts with their families. They remain both homeless and penniless ... but they are very happy.
Johnny
Johnathon Edward Jenas was born and raised in Potters Bar, is 27 years old and is better known simply as “Johnny”, although many know him as “Jenas the Penis”. Just over a year ago, Johnny won over £11,000,000 on the lottery. This propelled him into the local spotlight and he has become something of a public figure, some might even go as far as to say that he was a “hero”. Johnny has since squandered a lot of his winnings on an ostentatious mansion and various decadent self-indulgences. He is rarely seen without Eric: his trusted bodyguard, his “rock”. Johnny is haunted by a childhood memory of seeing his Mother, Olivia, naked when he and his family were travelling on a train. Johnny spends a considerable amount of his time preparing excuses and alibis in case a murder is blamed on him. His analyst has concluded this does not suggest any violent intent but is due to a 7 year old Johnny once wishing that his Father was dead.
Olivia
Gerry and Johnnys’ Mother, Olivia suffers from a nervous cough, a squint and visual disturbances. These symptoms have plagued her since the death of her husband. Olivia seeks refuge and comfort in her activities and responsibilities at a local church, St. Mark’s, as well as in her painting and drawing. She is estranged from her two sons, Gerry and Johnny but prays for them and their father (and several other people) on a daily basis. Olivia was one of the first victims of crime to be “saved” by “The Hertfordshire Hero” and she has subsequently begun to worship him to the extent that she has seriously contemplated the Hero as literally being “the second coming”.
Eddie
Eddie was born in Stevenage, Hertfordshire, and has regularly moved house ever since he was a boy: growing up “all over”. Eddie is quite simply obsessed with, and addicted to, news. He has considered news and information to be his primary source of satisfaction ever since his mother withdrew her breast from him when he was a young boy. Since then, Eddie has taken great pleasure in sucking on news and information. As a young boy, Eddie felt that news was the one thing that he had control of and it meant the world to him; in this sense, he felt as if he was in control of the world. At just 5 years old, he started his primary school’s first newspaper, at 12 years old, he started his secondary school’s first newspaper and then at 16 years old, he left school and started working for various local newspapers. Eddie was furious with himself for being abroad on holiday on the day of the second Potters Bar train crash (and he hasn’t had a single day off work since) and for failing to locate any evidence of the infamous Potters Bar Panther/Potters Bar Puma/Beast of Brookmans Park/Beast of Barnet, regardless of over 100 local sightings. Eddie has written several award winning articles and has had his work published in well over 50 different publications; however, he feels that all he has achieved is trivial and that he is getting very close to a huge story that will not only change his life and career forever but also change the very face of journalism.
Jen
Jen was born and raised in Welwyn Garden City, Hertfordshire, and is 21 years old. Jen recently completed a college course in journalism and photography and has just started a new job at a local newspaper. Jen has been so desperate to impress and make an impact that she has spent over a month living in a tent in response to sightings of a big cat. Jen has always been renowned for her organisational skills: she obsessively strives to meet her goals of order and cleanliness. While on her self-assigned big cat hunt in a field, she has been carefully burying her excrement in various holes at a depth of exactly 12 inches, burning the soiled papers, meticulously cleaning her mini-shovel with leaves and then burying the soiled leafs. Jen has never had a boyfriend.
Paddy
Paddy has been obsessed with images and photography ever since he made a pin-hole camera as a boy (following instructions from the back of a cereal packet that he stole). Paddy refuses to leave his house without a camera; in fact, he actually walks around his house with a camera around his neck and at the ready (to date, he has taken over 4,000 images just of his fridge). Upon the birth of his only child, Norm, Paddy’s wife gave her husband an ultimatum: “photography or her”. Paddy refused to give up his pleasure and his passion, so she left him and he never saw her again. Three days later, Paddy finally emerged from his darkroom and was shocked to discover that his wife had left their newborn son, Norm, behind. Paddy reluctantly did his part in bringing up his son but Paddy had always desperately wanted to have a daughter: for many years, Paddy dressed Norm as a girl and
photographed him.
The Editor
Very little is known about the bizarre history of the character that is known simply as “The Editor”. As an amnesiac teenager, she was found washed up on a Norfolk beach by a group of nuns. She spent weeks drifting in and out of consciousness and it was months before she spoke. When she finally verbally communicated, she had no memory of who she was. The nuns took her in and unsuccessfully tried to help her regain her lost memory. The Editor’s face was in newspapers and on television but nobody came forward and said that they knew who she was. After several years of living and learning with the nuns, the Editor was to sit for a follow-up article. The news team arrived for the interview and the Editor inexplicably began barking orders, telling the entire team how they should be doing their jobs and what they were doing wrong. The team thought that she sounded identical to their own boss, so they arranged for a meeting. The pair met and immediately had matching thoughts and finished each other’s sentences as if they were exactly the same person. The character that we now know as “The Editor” was offered a job as the paper’s assistant editor and she accepted. To this day, her knowledge and understanding of news, editing, and the running of a team remains a complete mystery.
Victor
Victor Van der Grinten was born and raised in Potters Bar, Hertfordshire, is 28 years old and is currently unemployed. Victor’s dreams of going to college to study art were never fulfilled. Victor stayed up revising for his school exams every evening until midnight when his father would return home from work. Victor did this for two reasons: firstly, to learn his subjects in order to get good results and then get into college; secondly, he wanted to impress his Father with his high level of commitment in the hope that his Dad would take him - and his work - seriously. One night, Victor’s Father returned home from work early to find Victor naked and staring at his penis in a mirror. From that exact moment, Victor could not remember a single thing he’d studied or revised. He not only failed every one of his exams but he also felt that he had let his father down. Subsequently, Victor has had countless meaningless jobs and has no idea what he wants to do in his life or where he belongs. In his many years of absolute boredom in Potters Bar, he has totally mastered the art of the yo-yo but has no interest in it whatsoever. Following his Mother’s unexpected death, Victor is destined to repeat, to not remember, and to live by bizarre self-imposed sets of instructions that are so complicated that they actually become impossible for him to follow.
Victor's Father
Victor’s Father, like his son, was born and raised in Potters Bar. Victor’s father spent the majority of his life working locally as a
security guard in a mirror factory. When his wife suddenly died, Victor’s Father felt responsible and blamed himself. As a result, he could no longer look at his own reflection and so was forced to change jobs. He has since worked as a security guard in a car park. It is unclear to what extent and in which ways the loss of his wife and the many years spent constantly surrounded by images of his own reflection in countless mirrors have contributed to the paranoid delusions of being watched and the hearing of voices that he recently suffered from. Victor’s Father’s psychotic and paranoid behaviour abruptly stopped when he accidentally smashed a small garage window in which he briefly saw his own reflection.
Susan
Susan was born and raised in Potters Bar and is 25 years old. She is locally renowned as one of the area’s best mobile beauticians: a reputation that now sees her serve Potters Bar’s only celebrity, the lottery winning millionaire, Johnny Jenas. Susan is said to take after her Mother, who was a pioneer in mobile beauty and many argue that she was the first person to coin the phrase “mobile beautician”. Many people often tell Susan how much she looks, acts and sounds like her Mother. Susan has begun socialising with her Mother’s friends and wearing her Mother’s old clothes. Susan’s Mother died when Susan was just 14 years old. Eventually, it was a complex chemical analysis of the excessive make-up on the corpse that proved the only way of positively identifying the horrifically mutilated body as being that of Susan’s mother. Susan has recently left her boyfriend, Harry, and now Luke is attempting to romance her.
Luke
Lucas Pavo Christatus Borrell was born and raised in Muswell Hill, North London. He is 28 years old, unemployed, currently residing in Potters Bar (because too many people in London intend to kill him) and is better known simply as “Luke”. Since a very young age, Luke has had grand visions of achieving fame. He is desperate to be famous and has tried his hand as an actor (in television, film, theatre and radio), musician (on over 20 different instruments), writer, entrepreneur, ventriloquist, puppeteer, singer, ballerina, contortionist, clown, presenter, dancer, inventor, magician, entertainer and performance poet. He has appeared on television many times in countless different talent shows: one of his many appearances even included a lengthy “sob story” montage of his time spent in prison. Luke served a 9 month sentence for the manufacture, sale and distribution of a dangerous illegal substance that could be used as an explosive; however, Luke was selling this as a male sexual aid. The “sob story” montage was quickly followed by a disastrous vocal performance and a unanimously scathing assessment from the panel of famous judges; however, Luke was very pleased with how things went as it got him a quarter of a page article in a local newspaper and at least 2 (perhaps 3) strangers recognised him in the street.